Onesided Love
by naive-wings
Summary: I longed for those brief moments when I could lose myself in our act, and pretend you were really mine, and only mine. But at the end of the day, it was her you called. Her who had your heart... But I love you, and I want you to be happy. Hikaru centric.


One-sided Love

It started off as just you and me. We were conceived together, spent 9 months in the womb together, were born together, grew up together. I had you and you had me. We were inseparable. We needed no one else but each other. We had our own little world, no one could get in, and we didn't want them to. We were happy that way. Or at least that's what we thought. Then Tono attempted to worm his way into our world. We tried to deter him the usual way, with the game. He didn't win, but he just wouldn't give up. I have to admit, I do admire him a bit for that determination. For someone who daydreams about himself so much, his words can be surprisingly wise every now and again. Do you remember that day when he saw right though us?

_"Then why is it that whenever people are wrong, why do you always have those lonely faces"_

He was right and we both knew it. We _wanted_ someone to tell us apart, because we are _not_ interchangeable. Hikaru is not Kaoru, and Kaoru is not Hikaru. No one ever could. I still remember the hurt when that one maid we actually liked told us she couldn't tell us apart. When she broke her promise, it really hurt, remember? We quickly realized that no one would ever be able to tell us apart, because no one would ever care about us enough to. We would always be seen as a pair never separate. So why get our hopes up? We would always have each other and that was guaranteed. We would never hurt each other. So we locked out everyone but ourselves. That was the best way to never be hurt again.

**&**But that was so long ago. How old were be then? 4? 5? 6? We've shut out others for almost ten years. We thought we were happy, but it did get a bit lonely. We wanted to open our world a little, deep down. Yet we were scared. For our whole lives all we knew was each other, that's why we played that game. Contradictory aren't we? We want to be differentiated, yet we don't. But we took the risk didn't we, joined the Host Club together. But even then, no one could tell us apart and we remained in our own little world, but at least we were alone together, and soon we got used to it, being alone amidst a crowd. To be with so many people, yet be known by none. Now we had a new game to play. After all, now that we were letting them think we were letting them in, we needed a way to keep them out. So why not take advantage of the mystery surrounding us and the rumours for our tight bond? Why not add implied incest to our category of Little Devils? It would be fun watching the girls swoon and squeal. Good-looking, untouchable, and great fashion sense, not to mention mischievous, no one is able to resist the allure of the Hitachiin Brothers.

I enjoyed writing scripts for our after school shows. We wrote them together, utilizing our personalities to the full extent. Even better was show time. The club was our stage, the customers our audience, and you and I, the only actors. All I could see was you, and I was all that was in your eyes. We were happy, _I_ was happy. We were having fun, together. As time went by, I soon found myself wishing that our act wasn't just an act. I knew we could never be. But as long as you were by my side, I wouldn't need anything more. Then _she_ came along. The first person to be able to distinguish you and me. At first she intrigued us, impervious to our charms. She was our new toy. But then things changed. She became more than a toy. Not quite a friend, but our world didn't just consist of us and them anymore, now there was a third element, Haruhi. It puzzled me to no extent when you started to push us together. I was never interested in her in that way. I only want you. She fascinated me because I saw the way you admired her. I wanted to learn from her, to be the kind of person you would like, even if you'd never see me that way.

I saw the way you looked at _her_ and I finally understood. You've found someone you love. Ever the good brother, you wanted to make sure I had someone before you could be happy pursuing your own happiness. No matter how much I wanted you, I knew I had no right you keep you from finding happiness. I'm not really that blind you know. All these years, all the things you've done for me, I've noticed. Even though you felt a little bad for those girls in middle school, you still played along with the rejection game. You protected me, perpetuated the "little world" that I wanted. I noticed. I was selfish you let you continue doing that, but I wanted so much to keep you. Then Haruhi came into the picture. Because of her, our world grew slowly but surely. Remember the day after we stopped 'fighting'? We switched hair colours, but she still knew we were lying. I remember as we held hands, you stole a glance at me. I didn't look back because I still didn't believe that there really was someone who knew us, but I noticed your look. I notice everything. Like the worry in your eyes whenever you pushed us together, praying it would work out. But did you really think it would work? Even if he never noticed it, Tono was the one who really loved her, and the way she looked at him, only discouraged him. It was inevitable that they end up together, she and I could never be. But for your sake, for your happiness, I asked _her_ out. To be exact, I pulled the same trick you did on me when we caught Haruhi with her summer job. I asked her out, only I pretended to be you, since she hadn't learned to tell us apart. Then I told you that I'd accidentally accepted a confession from her as you because I was stressing about asking Haruhi out. I lied of course, but it worked didn't it? You went out with her and pretty soon you were an item. In secret of course. We did have the Host Club to keep in mind. I began to look forward to the Host Club even more. I longed for those brief moments when I could lose myself in our act, and pretend you were really mine, and only mine. But at the end of the day, it was her you called. Her who you embraced. Her who had your heart. You have no idea how jealous I was, and still am. More than once I kicked myself for setting you up. More than once I wanted to kill her and make you mine again. But I love you, and I want you to be happy. You did so much for me, how could I not give you happiness in return. So I watched you date, gave you pointers, and was there for you every step of the way. Even when she called me, upset after your first fight, I didn't discourage her. I told her to talk to you and make up.

I still remember that night. The night that my dreams were dashed forever, the first moment that I dreaded. It was your 100th date, on a Friday night. You were dressed up in a suit and tie. You looked gorgeous. I remember asking you what you had in store for this special number. When you showed it to me, my heart sank, but I put on a smile and told you it was beautiful. Every facet sparkled with the intensity of you love for her. As you headed out the door, I fixed your tie and hair and wished you luck with a smile. When you left, I retreated to our room, well it's my room now, you moved out soon after you started seeing her. I remember talking online to Haruhi who'd been a lifesaver, talking me though all your happy milestones with _her_. We weren't wrong to let her into our world. Even though she was taken aback at first, she's been very supportive of me. She's really a great friend. I remember the call. It was 12 seconds after the computer clock flashed 11:30. My phone rang, it was your ring tone. I hesitated before picking up. I took a deep breath and put on the mask.

"Hey, so?"

"She said YES!" I could here the joy in your voice. You were ecstatic.

"Good job brother, I knew she would. You two belong together." The last two words were bitter in my mouth. "So what now?"

"We're going to celebrate with some drinks at the Heavenly Tenshi club. Don't wait up."

"Have fun, and tell me everything when you come home, k?"

"I will. Sleep tight!"

I immediately messaged Haruhi. I needed to talk to someone.

I remember I was up until 2 AM reading old entries in my diary, or is it a journal because I'm a guy? Whatever, I started writing that when I first realised how I felt about you. That notebook was the one and only thing I ever hid from you. The entries made me laugh, cry, smile and sigh. I heard the front door open and I quickly turned off the light and jumped into bed. I couldn't let you see my red eyes. I don't want you to be sad on such a happy occasion. I heard you when you peeked into my room, but I just couldn't face you.

Then came the day I dreaded more than anything. Today. I remember going with the both of you to help with the decorations, the venue… everything. I know you wanted to make me feel like I mattered to you, but it hurt so badly. I had to try very hard not to sabotage anything. This morning, I helped you get ready again. Today, you were positively glowing. You looked hotter than ever. I don't think I ever loved you more than at that moment. I left to pick _her_ up. You trusted no one else but me to take care of your most precious person. I helped her get ready, making sure the dress Mother designed for her was just right. Then I left to meet you. You were so nervous, pacing around in the room. I stopped you from getting cold feet and pushed you out the door. The moment you saw her walking down the aisle, you stopped fidgeting. Nervousness was replaced by excitement. You said your vows flawlessly, as you always have with public speaking. Exquisite words that pierced my heart, flowed from your lips to her ears. I handed you the ring and you slid it onto her finger.

I look over at you and her, lovingly staring into each other's eyes. Haruhi looks at me sadly. I smile. You squeeze my hand. You think I'm nervous, but that's not it. I squeeze your hand back and stand up, raising my glass.

"I have known Kaoru since he was in diapers, well actually we shared diapers. Just kidding, though I know some people would actually believe that. We didn't share diapers, but we did share almost everything else. Mother's womb, toys, clothes… As children, we lived in our own little world, caring only about each other. But as we grew up, we opened up. Thanks to our dear friend Haruhi, we learned that the world is bigger than just the two of us. And a good thing too! Think how sad we would be in fifty years. Two single seventy-something old men living together. Pathetic." Everyone laughs.

"But seriously, it was a good thing because if not, he wouldn't have met you, Mizu. He has found true happiness and his other half"

You know, people used to say we were halves of one another.

"He has found his soul mate. I have to admit, at first I was a little worried that Mizu was going to steal Kaoru from me, but she didn't, and I thank you for that. I'm so glad that this day has come. Finally, I can stop worrying about my dear little brother. You have no idea how many nights I spent comforting him after your fights Mizu, or how hard it was to sleep with him jumping for joy in the other room after something good happened. In fact, I haven't been able to sleep for the past six months because of his joy over your engagement and his fretting about the wedding." They laugh again.

"So as of tonight, I'm handing him over to you. Take good care of him, I wish you both the best." I drink, and sit down, and it's the maid of honour's turn. Suddenly I feel sick. I have to get out of here. I excuse myself and quickly head to the washroom.

One the door is locked behind me, I collapse to the floor, sobbing. I just realised the horrible wish that had been within me for so long, that ugly wish that you would break up with her. I felt so dirty, so wrong. How could I desire such unhappiness upon you? I was disgusted with myself. All those horrible thoughts of sabotage that had been running through my head made me feel sick. I'd wanted to ruin her dress, drop the ring… so many horrible things. I didn't do them, but the thought is bad enough. I don't deserve to be your best man. I don't deserve to be alive. I am a monster!

I scribble a note apologising, saying I'm not feeling well, and give it to Haruhi to give to you. I just can't face you right now.

I drive to our, no, it's my home now. Soon it will be over. I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble Kaoru. I wish you the best.

**

* * *

**"Hikaru told me to give this to you." Haruhi hands Kaoru the note, he quickly scans the note. 

_I feel really sick, can't stay. Have fun little brother. Wish you the best._

His brows knit in confusion.

"This isn't like him." He tries to call him. "He's not picking up."

"Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to anyone right now."

"But Hikaru _never_ ignores my calls."

"He's probably just tired. You should go back, you and Mizu are the stars of tonight." After a bit more persuading, Kaoru reluctantly returns to the party.

"Hikaru's still not picking up." After the 20th time calling, Kaoru is starting to get worried. Hikaru never misses so many of his calls. He tells his new wife and Haruhi. "I'm really worried!"

They drive back to Kaoru's old house. Kaoru knocks on the door. For some reason, his heart is racing. There is no answer. He rings the doorbell. No change. Kaoru finds his old key and puts it into the lock and turns. The house is uncharacteristically quiet.

"Hikaru?" There is no answer.

"Hikaru!" Kaoru runs upstairs to Hikaru's bedroom.

He stops outside the door. It's closed. He knocks.

"Hikaru?" There is no answer. He tries the knob, it's locked. "Open the door Hikaru!" He rams the door until it opens. Hikaru lay on the bed asleep.

"Hikaru?" he approaches cautiously. His brother does not react. He touches his cheek. He notices the empty bottle of sleeping pills and the beer cans.

"HIKARU!"

"Kaoru, are you all right?" Mizu and Haruhi rush to the door.

"CALL THE AMBULANCE! NOW!"

Haruhi runs to the phone. Within minutes, they arrive and take Hikaru to the hospital.

**

* * *

**Kaoru watches the last shovelful of dirt be thrown onto the grave. Mizu hugs her husband. 

"Let's go home Kaoru."

"Just give me a second alone okay? Wait in the car." She obeys.

Kaoru fingers the words on the headstone, and sits down beside it. He takes out the letter that had been on Hikaru's bedside table that night. He takes out a lighter and lights it. After watching it burn up, he gets up to go.

"Goodbye onii-chan. I hope you're happy wherever you are. I'll always love you."

* * *

naive-wings: There are so many Kaoru-giving-up-Hikaru angst fics, I wanted to write one where Hikaru does the sacrificing. 


End file.
